Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Marshmallows part 1: Able was I, ere I saw KERPUFFERKINS

The ancient Egyptians were the first to enjoy the marshmallow as early as 2000 BC. The treat was considered very special and it was reserved for gods and royalty. Of course, it wasn't called "marshmallow" in ancient Egyptian; it was called "scarab forearm bird bird bird." How we come to know this will be revealed in the next paragraph.

Marshmallow was made from the mallow plant (athaea officinalis) that grows wild in marshes. How more brutal than Hound of the Baskervilles can you get? Slopping through a marsh and digging up strange plants wasn't brutal enough, so we used horse hooves that we boiled down, dried, and powdered. The Egyptians squeezed sap from the mallow plant and mixed it with nuts and honey. We know this because we found Grover Cleveland's time machine.

To make marshmallows, use lots of sugar. And all your Karo. All of it. Make sure you smack out every last calorie. We're serious about this. Behold the seriousness. Bask in its healing scent.

You want your sugar to reach -31.7°D (firm ball).

When ready, we add our sugar to the powdered horse hooves. Slowly. Going to the emergency room because you slung boiling sugar all over your bare torso is brutal, possibly a little too brutal.

Now turn that shit up to eleven!


Marshmallows part 2: A Man, a plan, a canal - KERPUFFERKINS!

Marshmallows are sticky (they are actually used to adhere the ceramic insulating tiles to the shuttle), so a thick coat of butter and a coat of powdered sugar is needed. Possibly, this treatment would make anything better.

After whipping for a good ten minutes or so, we scrape our product into the waiting dish. Then we let it cool for three or four hours. We actually ended up accidentally drinking a bottle of Old Spice and spent the rest of the night thinking we were Aunt Bea, exposing ourselves to traffic, and screaming at birds. So, our marshmallows set overnight.

After cooling, we use our diamond scalpel to separate the marshmallows into cubes. Exposed edges are still very sticky, so we roll them in a 50/50 mix of powdered sugar and potato starch flour.

Beautiful, no? They're within spec for:

  • Tastiness - 9/10
  • Texture - 7/10
  • Hardness - 15 ± 5 Shore OO durometer
  • Brutality - 9/10

Marshmallows part 3: Madam, I'm KERPUFFERKIN!

Branding is the most important thing in trying to sell your evil plans to the populace. Creating packaging that resembles creepy Asian-food-market marshmallows is step 1.

Here we fuse the paint to the plastic using only the intensity of our gaze.

Korean and Klingon are the most brutal languages.

Grover Cleveland learned to speak with penguins.

Finished product!